April 19, 2012
I have this lady I trust and love at my church and she was talking to me about the women's group and all and she was asking me how I was getting along.
Basically, I Love a seamless transition, and I like them to happen when I think they are supposed to happen, and I just wonder if anybody can get there with me right now. I really thought I was okay with a process meaning I would roll along and be introduced to community again and that by me "obviously working" very hard one "me" that all the people I love would naturally go there with me and all my relationships would instantly be rejuvenated and that all these new relationships would effortlessly appear and begin to flourish on my own good merit and most sincere and earnest of intentions.
How fortunate I am that this process has been so humbling! Because when you are the only one living your life and you ask God to bring you into the life he intends for you to have, he wants you to live in community for certain. But. When you are really THE ONLY ONE LIVING YOUR LIFE you have to really decide what that means, and it's hard for me to explain but it can get lonely getting it together. At some point real personal life-giving recovery comes down to listening to God. I've started converting my constant pattern of "help me" prayers to "stop and listen" prayers. I have to do this myself in so many ways, because I really believe God wants me to have some strength as an individual in Him. There has been a not-quite-seamless transition from "we're all here for you" and the security that came along with that for me to "it's me and the Lord that can do this and really no one else." That community is still there, and getting stronger every day. But I am listening to God a lot more than I ever have before, otherwise I'm very needy and dependent on a community hat would love to hit a button and make al my addictions go away and "everything to be ok" but just can't and praise God for that.
They can't take my shame away and forgive me when I mess up and they can't take the scales off my eyes and they can't hold my hand constantly, especially when I don't feel I deserve it. They can love me and because that love is finite and fragile compared to Christ's love, it is so precious and priceless. they can give their time and guidance and because that time is so short and fleeting and because guidance is coming from also broken but contrite hearts, that time and guidance is precious as well. They are precious because basically one day we're all gonna die. And somehow we need it because we're definitely all here together, what are you gonna do.
And there's so much more to it than just "might as well love each other." I know we've been commanded to. I'm just saying I'm moving out of dependence into gratefulness, which has been honestly huge. My time alone has a lot less "Where are my real friends" emotions swirling around. I feel less alone, basically, which feels really good, because it's less to medicate.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Beth Moore
I'm reading a book called Breaking Free and right in the middle she tells us that the dreams we had when we were little girls about being beautiful and about being a bride were valid dreams and that we are indeed beautiful to Christ and brides to him. And I'm grateful for that, don't get me wrong. And I know you can't pick who thinks you are on Earth and certainly you can't go around all bitter to everyone about everything.
But dang.
But dang.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
April 3, 2012
I'm finally at rest from the self-loathing I really put myself through the past week and a half and I'm starting to see again that it's just me and the Lord living my life and I'm okay with that again. I mean who knew that so many emotional issues are brought up and dealt with just because you're trying to stop a life of self-destruction. I mean I thought I was just going to stop drinking and learn how to be a good friend and a good sister and a good granddaughter and daughter and aunt and just do it a little at a time and then reach what Jay calls some quantitative, measurable reward for all my hard work, and I knew it wouldn't really happen that way, but I didn't know what it would look like when it really never does happen that way.
Really, when you're trying desperately to learn new ways to live your life, you learn that it's going much slower than you thought it would and what you were medicating all this time was this intense lonesomeness where it feels like every social force is against you, choking you and keeping you from having love or friends because there's something wrong with you and you deserve to be alone. Surely your deserve it, it's happening, you're alone and nobody wants to be your friend, there's the proof right there. Medicate THAT. Numb that, it's too much to deal with, and these people don't want to be your friend now, anyway, you may as well not deal with it. When the morning comes, whether or not you got drunk, you'll still be alone. May as well do whatever you can to make yourself happy, because you don't have anyone to help.
That is the sick voice I heard and continue to hear, that is what tempts me every day, that is the voice that can be told to go away if I remember to tell it to, in the name of Jesus, every single day, while our good Lord comes in and fills in the pieces and holes that are remaining. That is the actual process and I think if there's a goal, it's that it only gets easier with time, and it gets easier if I don't feed the wrong dog, as that old YoungLife sermon analogy goes.
There are good things, actual new things cropping up, like all the rosebuds outside. I am remembering scripture. Forever it was so hard, I would forget it the minute i read it but now it's starting to have a place on my heart, because now I'm starting to see just how specifically God can meet me, and he is crazy. Last night we talked about stopping the secret sins before they become public and I learned a new way to read Hebrews 12:5-7 where it says: "And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: 'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.' Endure hardship as discipline. God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?" And it tells me and reminds me that I am a friend and a beloved to Jesus; I must be, he must think of me that way, and this all must be discipline, what else would it be? What else could I be? I am absolutely in love with that idea, and it becoming my identity in Christ. Jesus' friend who, make no mistake, WILL be disciplined but has a place that also will not be compromised. And if that is the case, I don't really care what happens.
I'm finally at rest from the self-loathing I really put myself through the past week and a half and I'm starting to see again that it's just me and the Lord living my life and I'm okay with that again. I mean who knew that so many emotional issues are brought up and dealt with just because you're trying to stop a life of self-destruction. I mean I thought I was just going to stop drinking and learn how to be a good friend and a good sister and a good granddaughter and daughter and aunt and just do it a little at a time and then reach what Jay calls some quantitative, measurable reward for all my hard work, and I knew it wouldn't really happen that way, but I didn't know what it would look like when it really never does happen that way.
Really, when you're trying desperately to learn new ways to live your life, you learn that it's going much slower than you thought it would and what you were medicating all this time was this intense lonesomeness where it feels like every social force is against you, choking you and keeping you from having love or friends because there's something wrong with you and you deserve to be alone. Surely your deserve it, it's happening, you're alone and nobody wants to be your friend, there's the proof right there. Medicate THAT. Numb that, it's too much to deal with, and these people don't want to be your friend now, anyway, you may as well not deal with it. When the morning comes, whether or not you got drunk, you'll still be alone. May as well do whatever you can to make yourself happy, because you don't have anyone to help.
That is the sick voice I heard and continue to hear, that is what tempts me every day, that is the voice that can be told to go away if I remember to tell it to, in the name of Jesus, every single day, while our good Lord comes in and fills in the pieces and holes that are remaining. That is the actual process and I think if there's a goal, it's that it only gets easier with time, and it gets easier if I don't feed the wrong dog, as that old YoungLife sermon analogy goes.
There are good things, actual new things cropping up, like all the rosebuds outside. I am remembering scripture. Forever it was so hard, I would forget it the minute i read it but now it's starting to have a place on my heart, because now I'm starting to see just how specifically God can meet me, and he is crazy. Last night we talked about stopping the secret sins before they become public and I learned a new way to read Hebrews 12:5-7 where it says: "And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: 'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.' Endure hardship as discipline. God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?" And it tells me and reminds me that I am a friend and a beloved to Jesus; I must be, he must think of me that way, and this all must be discipline, what else would it be? What else could I be? I am absolutely in love with that idea, and it becoming my identity in Christ. Jesus' friend who, make no mistake, WILL be disciplined but has a place that also will not be compromised. And if that is the case, I don't really care what happens.
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