April 19, 2012


     I have this lady I trust and love at my church and she was talking to me about the women's group and all and she was asking me how I was getting along.
     Basically, I Love a seamless transition, and I like them to happen when I think they are supposed to happen, and I just wonder if anybody can get there with me right now.  I really thought I was okay with a process meaning I would roll along and be introduced to community again and that by me "obviously working" very hard one "me" that all the people I love would naturally go there with me and all my relationships would instantly be rejuvenated and that all these new relationships would effortlessly appear and begin to flourish on my own good merit and most sincere and earnest of intentions.
     How fortunate I am that this process has been so humbling! Because when you are the only one living your life and you ask God to bring you into the life he intends for you to have, he wants you to live in community for certain.  But.  When you are really THE ONLY ONE LIVING YOUR LIFE you have to really decide what that means, and it's hard for me to explain but it can get lonely getting it together.  At some point real personal life-giving recovery comes down to listening to God.  I've started converting my constant pattern of "help me" prayers to "stop and listen" prayers.  I have to do this myself in so many ways, because I really believe God wants me to have some strength as an individual in Him.  There has been a not-quite-seamless transition from "we're all here for you" and the security that came along with that for me to "it's me and the Lord that can do this and really no one else."  That community is still there, and getting stronger every day.  But I am listening to God a lot more than I ever have before, otherwise I'm very needy and dependent on a community hat would love to hit a button and make al my addictions go away and "everything to be ok"  but just can't and praise God for that.
     They can't take my shame away and forgive me when I mess up and they can't take the scales off my eyes and they can't hold my hand constantly, especially when I don't feel I deserve it.  They can love me and because that love is finite and fragile compared to Christ's love, it is so precious and priceless.  they can give their time and guidance and because that time is so short and fleeting and because guidance is coming from also broken but contrite hearts, that time and guidance is precious as well.  They are precious because basically one day we're all gonna die.  And somehow we need it because we're definitely all here together, what are you gonna do.
     And there's so much more to it than just "might as well love each other."  I know we've been commanded to.  I'm just saying I'm moving out of dependence into gratefulness, which has been honestly huge.  My time alone has a lot less "Where are my real friends" emotions swirling around.  I feel less alone, basically, which feels really good, because it's less to medicate.