January 30, 2012

Counseling today was transformative. We prayed for and talked about breaking the tough image I really want to have so that I don't get hurt or have to experience any pain, becoming who God wants for me personality and trait-wise, the abuse I was under in my childhood in a very specific way, and the last thing we talked about was how I mentally dissociate and live in my own world so that I don't have to have a real life. I think that desire to do that has affected how I do everything, especially relationships with guys, people in general, my friends and especially my family. At worst, I consciously put myself at the bottom of a vast and dark ocean where I am completely alone and there is no way I can hear, see or understand what is happening miles and miles above me. I am only surrounded by the kind of living organisms only I know about who can't think or talk about or understand me at all and even if I died down there no one would see me. I am that determined to escape reality.

So much of that desire came out today. I actually said to Jane today, "The real world doesn't even seem real, it seems like an illusion sometimes." Then I feel instant guilt for the people in my life who are experiencing a very real heartbreak with the loss of their dear friend Michelle Trojanowski. My heart is so heavy for the people in my life who are really going through it right now. Yesterday I got the image in my mind of a quilt as I was praying about Michelle's loved ones and I knew to make a blanket specifically for Mary Beth Cowan but I didn't know why a blanket and then Kris started talking at the end of his sermon about Christ being sent to be our comforter, and the translation of that being one who endows us with a courage beyond our ability. That image is so dear and real to me. I overheard him say to someone that Michelle's parents feel a strength beyond their ability right now, and I want that to be true for the other people in her life, and I have a very real sense that it is. I just texted my dear friend Stephen to invite him and Julie over for dinner this week and I plan on calling later.

I am literally amazed at God's hand working in my life right now. I hope allowing God to parent me and bring me out of seclusion and into who He is intending me to be for Him and the Kingdom is someone who will show God's love to his children and remind them they have a good and capable and might to save Shepherd.

Hebrews 1:3

The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven.

2 Peter 1:3

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

Breaking Free, Beth Moore

"The filling only He can give does not automatically accompany our salvation. I was in my early thirties before I understood the huge difference between salvation from sin and satisfaction of soul. Salvation secures our lives for all eternity. Soul satisfaction ensures abundant life on earth."

January 28, 2012

Psalm 55:1-8

Hear my prayer, O God;

do not hide yourself from my petition

Listen to me and answer me;

I have no peace, because of my cares.

I am shaken by the noise of the enemy

and by the pressure of the wicked;

For they have cast an evil spell upon me

and are set against me in fury.

My heart quakes within me,

and the terrors of death have fallen upon me.

Fear and trembling have come over me,

and horror overwhelms me.

And I said, "Oh that I had wings like a dove!

I would fly away and be at rest.

I would flee to a far-off place

and make mu lodging in the wilderness.

I would hasten to escape

from the stormy wind and tempest.

This is hard. I just am struggling to put into words everything I am feeling these days. I need a break, a revelation a decision, an idea, a clue, something that will push me over, make me think, give me peace that there is something else to look forward to besides just being sober and not depressed. It's impatience. Most of my impatience stems from the fact that I am regrettably still working in a bar, and so far my efforts to get out aren't working.

I am praying for patience and self-awareness and wisdom to know when it's a submission issue and when it's a non-issue.

it's a lot

January 15, 2012

Romans 6:4

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

January 19, 2012

I've been considering this thing came up with one day when I foolishly found myself at a bar, still there after everyone who holds me accountable not to drink had already left. I went back and forth, or what was in m mind as back ad forth, with God about drinking. It was pretty one-sided. I really want to drink. And I gave myself permission to tell God, "This is so stupid, I just want to do what I want to do." Every coping mechanism I use for feeling out of place, and awkward, and tired of thinking I had already used and I tried to ignore the fact that I had this bar and this bored looking bartender and no one around to be afraid if I drank and it was a shitshow because no one had ever seen it get that bad. I could just drink and maybe feel alright and not feel all the social triggers that somehow make me feel not good enough. It really was a miracle but I just waited it out. I was relieved because in a way, I'm giving in to being better and it feels like I'm letting God win, at least in that moment, when I'm mad like some toddler because he won't let me drink Jameson and hopefully have some drug abuse. And then it's relief because I realize I don't need those things to feel like less of a piece of shit because I'm actually doing something about all the things that are telling me it's okay to need them.

January 21, 2012

Psalm 32:5

then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord" -- and you forgave the guilt of my sin.

I forget these days that God is still working with me. There was the initial wonderful ambush of His love and care, then I just go to work everyday and get into the dangerous routine of not reading, not writing, and that's what gives way to madness. I mean, I don't even know what the madness would look like, I'm medicated these days, but who knows. Always, moral of the story, I always need God. And I've been trying to be much better steward of that love just by being sober.

I don't know. Right now I'm in my bed and my upper lip is swollen and I'm missing a tooth and my mouth is full of sutures and blood. Neil, my dentist and regular at the Tavern, can possible do bonding or I an get what's called a flipper, this fake temporary tooth thing that I keep in and take out when I need to eat or brush my teeth. In one year I will have normal permanent teeth. This is just a lot. Yesterday after the surgery Kylie the assistant was telling me everything and I just broke down crying because I'm going to be wearing this flipper for a year. Then Neil called when I got home and told me it really should only be 8 months. I mean I really don't care probably, I just want to go to work and not look crazy. Also, though, is the isolation. I'm just in this house because I don't want anyone to see me. Marcus told me I looked like "Lucy loo who" and I don't even know who that is. I mean the upper lip is kind of cute but the inside of my mouth looks like someone punched a whole through somebody's fender. Yesterday Kylie sat me up and said, "How do you feel?" I said, "That was a lot." And she said, "A lot of what?" I didn't know what to tell her. It's just a lot, Kylie.

Between January 5 and 12

Lately it's been crazy. And when I say "lately" I really mean for quite a while. It's been suggested to me that while I'm taking all these steps to being less destructive, I write it down. Mostly because it's not every time that someone is able to be honest when you ask them how they're doing. Lord knows especially me. I'm not the best writer. You can tell that by the contractions and the fragmented sentences and the poor writing. But you have to start somewhere I think. Here is everything I've written down between the dates indicated above. It turns out I like writing down scripture that reaches me in a way I'm not able to articulate. And so I don't articulate it. Don't think I'm trying to make you work really hard at deciphering what went on in my head when I read those scriptures, because hopefully they reach you too, and probably in a whole different way and you'll know what I meant when I didn't say what I meant.

So that covers the scriptures. Everything else is what happens when I'm really just trying to be honest, and I'm really so grateful that it all came out. I'm also very grateful that I have people in my life who want to read all this. Believe me when I say it makes not being able to be destructive a whole lot easier.

January 5, 2012

(I'm reading a Beth Moore book and she says to memorize this. It's kind of crazy because I have two dear friends who have been slinging Isaiah verses at me willy nilly.)
Isaiah 61:1-4
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God.
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who greive in Zion
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor
They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have bene devastated for generations.


Isaiah 43:10
"You are my witnesses," declares the Lord,
"and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he."

January 9, 2012

I'm really trying. I can't really say I'm physically doing everything in my power, but maybe I am. i have to try with everything. Today I emailed a pastor back and told him that I'm seeing a therapist and a doctor and I'm getting on medication and how desperately I am needing to get out of the Tavern. He writes back and it was really nice, basically "You're doing everything you need to do and I will keep you in my prayers." I guess I just desire so much connection with people and so much direction from the good Lord that if I feel someone is being super generic or pastoral with me I just kinda make a face because I'm a hurt and tired little child.

January 10, 2012

I woke up this morning dreading work and remembering a time when two friends believed in me, then a time when they didn't, when I became a lost irresponsible child to them, and it hurts because I know I don't want to be that way but I've always been too sick to change. Now that I'm trying again maybe it'll stick. There's no drinking. I have two therapists and medication. That's the goal anyway.
I have to fight being alone. I have to fight feeling alone. The best thing I can do is take every opportunity to live outwardly and look outside, and that never meant anything until I figured out that living in my head all the time makes me less and less out of reality after a certain point. It's just so hard because I take everything so personally and I don't know how to stop. But how else am I supposed to understand it when someone is my friend and then they're not? It's because of me, because I am this way. They don't know what else to do but run away, leaving me to be overly careful in my existing relationships because I can't have the same thing happen again, but 9 out of 10 times they distance themselves anyway. So then I'm really alone, and I just go to work, this girl who's not stable and established and fruitful and healthy and sane enough to have my friends want to be around me. And I drink and I carouse and I fall down and I sleep with some boy and I'm sad but this is what happens when you're who I am and you can't see things for what they are and you don't know how to explain that to people because every thought in your head is tangled and all you want is for them to love you and you know all you have to do is calm down long enough to get one authentic thought out so they at least know something about what you're going through so you try but instead of saying "I miss you and I'm sick" you say "I'm trying" and you make some joke because you know the next words out of their mouth are going to be "what can you do to make it better" and you don't want them to say that because you don't know and you are really really scared that it won't work again and they'll write you off. No matter how many times they say they would never it already always feels like they have. So of course they will, eventually, it's all a matter of time until that last little piece of ice breaks free and that iceberg drifts happily out of the darkness, away from you, where it thinks it belongs.

January 12, 2012

John 1

When Jesus saw Nathanael coming towards him, he said of him, 'Here is truly an Israelite in whom there is no deceit!' nathanael asked him, 'Where did you come to know me?' Jesus answered, 'I saw you under the fig tree before Philip called you.' Nathanael replied, 'Rabbi you are the Son of God! you are the King of Israel!' Jesus answered, 'Do you believe because I told you I saw you under the fig tree? You will see greater things than these.' And he said to him, 'Very truly, I tell you, you will see heaven opened and the angels of God ascending and descending upon the Son of Man.'

Psalm 139

For you yourself created my inmost parts; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

Mark 4:33-34

With many similar parables Jesus spoke the word to them, as much as they could understand. He did not say anything to them without using a parable. But when he was alone with his own disciples, he explained everything.