Lately it's been crazy. And when I say "lately" I really mean for quite a while. It's been suggested to me that while I'm taking all these steps to being less destructive, I write it down. Mostly because it's not every time that someone is able to be honest when you ask them how they're doing. Lord knows especially me. I'm not the best writer. You can tell that by the contractions and the fragmented sentences and the poor writing. But you have to start somewhere I think. Here is everything I've written down between the dates indicated above. It turns out I like writing down scripture that reaches me in a way I'm not able to articulate. And so I don't articulate it. Don't think I'm trying to make you work really hard at deciphering what went on in my head when I read those scriptures, because hopefully they reach you too, and probably in a whole different way and you'll know what I meant when I didn't say what I meant.
So that covers the scriptures. Everything else is what happens when I'm really just trying to be honest, and I'm really so grateful that it all came out. I'm also very grateful that I have people in my life who want to read all this. Believe me when I say it makes not being able to be destructive a whole lot easier.
January 5, 2012
(I'm reading a Beth Moore book and she says to memorize this. It's kind of crazy because I have two dear friends who have been slinging Isaiah verses at me willy nilly.)
Isaiah 61:1-4
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God.
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who greive in Zion
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor
They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have bene devastated for generations.
Isaiah 43:10
"You are my witnesses," declares the Lord,
"and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he."
January 9, 2012
I'm really trying. I can't really say I'm physically doing everything in my power, but maybe I am. i have to try with everything. Today I emailed a pastor back and told him that I'm seeing a therapist and a doctor and I'm getting on medication and how desperately I am needing to get out of the Tavern. He writes back and it was really nice, basically "You're doing everything you need to do and I will keep you in my prayers." I guess I just desire so much connection with people and so much direction from the good Lord that if I feel someone is being super generic or pastoral with me I just kinda make a face because I'm a hurt and tired little child.
January 10, 2012
I woke up this morning dreading work and remembering a time when two friends believed in me, then a time when they didn't, when I became a lost irresponsible child to them, and it hurts because I know I don't want to be that way but I've always been too sick to change. Now that I'm trying again maybe it'll stick. There's no drinking. I have two therapists and medication. That's the goal anyway.
I have to fight being alone. I have to fight feeling alone. The best thing I can do is take every opportunity to live outwardly and look outside, and that never meant anything until I figured out that living in my head all the time makes me less and less out of reality after a certain point. It's just so hard because I take everything so personally and I don't know how to stop. But how else am I supposed to understand it when someone is my friend and then they're not? It's because of me, because I am this way. They don't know what else to do but run away, leaving me to be overly careful in my existing relationships because I can't have the same thing happen again, but 9 out of 10 times they distance themselves anyway. So then I'm really alone, and I just go to work, this girl who's not stable and established and fruitful and healthy and sane enough to have my friends want to be around me. And I drink and I carouse and I fall down and I sleep with some boy and I'm sad but this is what happens when you're who I am and you can't see things for what they are and you don't know how to explain that to people because every thought in your head is tangled and all you want is for them to love you and you know all you have to do is calm down long enough to get one authentic thought out so they at least know something about what you're going through so you try but instead of saying "I miss you and I'm sick" you say "I'm trying" and you make some joke because you know the next words out of their mouth are going to be "what can you do to make it better" and you don't want them to say that because you don't know and you are really really scared that it won't work again and they'll write you off. No matter how many times they say they would never it already always feels like they have. So of course they will, eventually, it's all a matter of time until that last little piece of ice breaks free and that iceberg drifts happily out of the darkness, away from you, where it thinks it belongs.
January 12, 2012
John 1
When Jesus saw Nathanael coming towards him, he said of him, 'Here is truly an Israelite in whom there is no deceit!' nathanael asked him, 'Where did you come to know me?' Jesus answered, 'I saw you under the fig tree before Philip called you.' Nathanael replied, 'Rabbi you are the Son of God! you are the King of Israel!' Jesus answered, 'Do you believe because I told you I saw you under the fig tree? You will see greater things than these.' And he said to him, 'Very truly, I tell you, you will see heaven opened and the angels of God ascending and descending upon the Son of Man.'
Psalm 139
For you yourself created my inmost parts; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
Mark 4:33-34
With many similar parables Jesus spoke the word to them, as much as they could understand. He did not say anything to them without using a parable. But when he was alone with his own disciples, he explained everything.
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