it's a lot

January 15, 2012

Romans 6:4

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

January 19, 2012

I've been considering this thing came up with one day when I foolishly found myself at a bar, still there after everyone who holds me accountable not to drink had already left. I went back and forth, or what was in m mind as back ad forth, with God about drinking. It was pretty one-sided. I really want to drink. And I gave myself permission to tell God, "This is so stupid, I just want to do what I want to do." Every coping mechanism I use for feeling out of place, and awkward, and tired of thinking I had already used and I tried to ignore the fact that I had this bar and this bored looking bartender and no one around to be afraid if I drank and it was a shitshow because no one had ever seen it get that bad. I could just drink and maybe feel alright and not feel all the social triggers that somehow make me feel not good enough. It really was a miracle but I just waited it out. I was relieved because in a way, I'm giving in to being better and it feels like I'm letting God win, at least in that moment, when I'm mad like some toddler because he won't let me drink Jameson and hopefully have some drug abuse. And then it's relief because I realize I don't need those things to feel like less of a piece of shit because I'm actually doing something about all the things that are telling me it's okay to need them.

January 21, 2012

Psalm 32:5

then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord" -- and you forgave the guilt of my sin.

I forget these days that God is still working with me. There was the initial wonderful ambush of His love and care, then I just go to work everyday and get into the dangerous routine of not reading, not writing, and that's what gives way to madness. I mean, I don't even know what the madness would look like, I'm medicated these days, but who knows. Always, moral of the story, I always need God. And I've been trying to be much better steward of that love just by being sober.

I don't know. Right now I'm in my bed and my upper lip is swollen and I'm missing a tooth and my mouth is full of sutures and blood. Neil, my dentist and regular at the Tavern, can possible do bonding or I an get what's called a flipper, this fake temporary tooth thing that I keep in and take out when I need to eat or brush my teeth. In one year I will have normal permanent teeth. This is just a lot. Yesterday after the surgery Kylie the assistant was telling me everything and I just broke down crying because I'm going to be wearing this flipper for a year. Then Neil called when I got home and told me it really should only be 8 months. I mean I really don't care probably, I just want to go to work and not look crazy. Also, though, is the isolation. I'm just in this house because I don't want anyone to see me. Marcus told me I looked like "Lucy loo who" and I don't even know who that is. I mean the upper lip is kind of cute but the inside of my mouth looks like someone punched a whole through somebody's fender. Yesterday Kylie sat me up and said, "How do you feel?" I said, "That was a lot." And she said, "A lot of what?" I didn't know what to tell her. It's just a lot, Kylie.