Counseling today was transformative. We prayed for and talked about breaking the tough image I really want to have so that I don't get hurt or have to experience any pain, becoming who God wants for me personality and trait-wise, the abuse I was under in my childhood in a very specific way, and the last thing we talked about was how I mentally dissociate and live in my own world so that I don't have to have a real life. I think that desire to do that has affected how I do everything, especially relationships with guys, people in general, my friends and especially my family. At worst, I consciously put myself at the bottom of a vast and dark ocean where I am completely alone and there is no way I can hear, see or understand what is happening miles and miles above me. I am only surrounded by the kind of living organisms only I know about who can't think or talk about or understand me at all and even if I died down there no one would see me. I am that determined to escape reality.
So much of that desire came out today. I actually said to Jane today, "The real world doesn't even seem real, it seems like an illusion sometimes." Then I feel instant guilt for the people in my life who are experiencing a very real heartbreak with the loss of their dear friend Michelle Trojanowski. My heart is so heavy for the people in my life who are really going through it right now. Yesterday I got the image in my mind of a quilt as I was praying about Michelle's loved ones and I knew to make a blanket specifically for Mary Beth Cowan but I didn't know why a blanket and then Kris started talking at the end of his sermon about Christ being sent to be our comforter, and the translation of that being one who endows us with a courage beyond our ability. That image is so dear and real to me. I overheard him say to someone that Michelle's parents feel a strength beyond their ability right now, and I want that to be true for the other people in her life, and I have a very real sense that it is. I just texted my dear friend Stephen to invite him and Julie over for dinner this week and I plan on calling later.
I am literally amazed at God's hand working in my life right now. I hope allowing God to parent me and bring me out of seclusion and into who He is intending me to be for Him and the Kingdom is someone who will show God's love to his children and remind them they have a good and capable and might to save Shepherd.
Hebrews 1:3
The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven.
2 Peter 1:3
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.
Breaking Free, Beth Moore
"The filling only He can give does not automatically accompany our salvation. I was in my early thirties before I understood the huge difference between salvation from sin and satisfaction of soul. Salvation secures our lives for all eternity. Soul satisfaction ensures abundant life on earth."
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