Yesterday

May 22, 2012

I am so comforted in the presence of the Lord.  I woke up this morning, made coffee, my grandma called, we had our usual hour-long conversation, and started quilting.  Periodically I stop and just know something would make me happier and I hear the Lord's voice tell me it's time for us to be together and I am so grateful for somewhere to go.  So I just crawl into the corner of the couch and start reading.
     I want to enter into a season where I am giving to people and to the Lord.  It's been 5 months into this beautiful and life-giving journey and I feel love coming out of me now, and it's so much that I want to give my selfish desires to the Lord so I don't have them in the way.  The particular desires I am giving are intrusive and I don't need them anyway.  I want to be focused, i want to work, I want to love, and I want to be useful.  And there is no rush or anxiety associated with these wants, there is only the comfort and assurance that I will have those things, with time.
     Really in the meantime I couldn't be happier.  I wish my sister would leave her husband, I wish my grandmother didn't worry so much and work so hard, I wish my parents would stop everything and start looking out for me and Julie and Matthew more instead of drinking and being selfish and depressed, and I wish I had a way to get around better.
     But I mean my life is finally belonging to the Lord.  I have no idea what my carer life is supposed to look like, but I believe when the Lord wants to help me get paid to do something, he will.  Basically I want to get paid to work for the Kingdom, in some kind of way.  I have just enough money to eat, pay rent and pay for my telephone.  I can't pay any debt down, or have insurance or save up for a car.  But the Lord will help me pay for those things.  It's hard because I don't know what to do about having a second job, which would help with the other things I need to pay.  And I agree that it's probably time to start praying about what direction to take in that area, which is why I'm so grateful for comfort in the presence of the Lord.
     This time last year, in contrast, I was drunk as can be almost every night, hungover every morning, convinced that I could stop whatever I was doing at anytime and that I was a lot closer than I actually was to "doing the best I can."  I don't really even think about that phrase anymore.  I'm either thinking about my life intentionally and listening for the Lord's voice or I'm simply not.  I'm not sure if that's how it's supposed to work for everybody.  It's for sure how it's become for me, it's how my life has become.  I think it became that way after I just kept thinking I was doing my best but then every time I fell I would wonder what happened.  What happened is my ears and heart chose to stop listening.  So I'm listening more, which has completely eliminated this part of the process where I depend on any of my "best" efforts and are often subsequently let down by them.

April 19, 2012


     I have this lady I trust and love at my church and she was talking to me about the women's group and all and she was asking me how I was getting along.
     Basically, I Love a seamless transition, and I like them to happen when I think they are supposed to happen, and I just wonder if anybody can get there with me right now.  I really thought I was okay with a process meaning I would roll along and be introduced to community again and that by me "obviously working" very hard one "me" that all the people I love would naturally go there with me and all my relationships would instantly be rejuvenated and that all these new relationships would effortlessly appear and begin to flourish on my own good merit and most sincere and earnest of intentions.
     How fortunate I am that this process has been so humbling! Because when you are the only one living your life and you ask God to bring you into the life he intends for you to have, he wants you to live in community for certain.  But.  When you are really THE ONLY ONE LIVING YOUR LIFE you have to really decide what that means, and it's hard for me to explain but it can get lonely getting it together.  At some point real personal life-giving recovery comes down to listening to God.  I've started converting my constant pattern of "help me" prayers to "stop and listen" prayers.  I have to do this myself in so many ways, because I really believe God wants me to have some strength as an individual in Him.  There has been a not-quite-seamless transition from "we're all here for you" and the security that came along with that for me to "it's me and the Lord that can do this and really no one else."  That community is still there, and getting stronger every day.  But I am listening to God a lot more than I ever have before, otherwise I'm very needy and dependent on a community hat would love to hit a button and make al my addictions go away and "everything to be ok"  but just can't and praise God for that.
     They can't take my shame away and forgive me when I mess up and they can't take the scales off my eyes and they can't hold my hand constantly, especially when I don't feel I deserve it.  They can love me and because that love is finite and fragile compared to Christ's love, it is so precious and priceless.  they can give their time and guidance and because that time is so short and fleeting and because guidance is coming from also broken but contrite hearts, that time and guidance is precious as well.  They are precious because basically one day we're all gonna die.  And somehow we need it because we're definitely all here together, what are you gonna do.
     And there's so much more to it than just "might as well love each other."  I know we've been commanded to.  I'm just saying I'm moving out of dependence into gratefulness, which has been honestly huge.  My time alone has a lot less "Where are my real friends" emotions swirling around.  I feel less alone, basically, which feels really good, because it's less to medicate.

Beth Moore

I'm reading a book called Breaking Free and right in the middle she tells us that the dreams we had when we were little girls about being beautiful and about being a bride were valid dreams and that we are indeed beautiful to Christ and brides to him.  And I'm grateful for that, don't get me wrong.  And I know you can't pick who thinks you are on Earth and certainly you can't go around all bitter to everyone about everything.

But dang.

April 3, 2012

     I'm finally at rest from the self-loathing I really put myself through the past week and a half and I'm starting to see again that it's just me and the Lord living my life and I'm okay with that again.  I mean who knew that so many emotional issues are brought up and dealt with just because you're trying to stop a life of self-destruction.  I mean I thought I was just going to stop drinking and learn how to be a good friend and a good sister and a good granddaughter and daughter and aunt and just do it a little at a time and then reach what Jay calls some quantitative, measurable reward for all my hard work, and I knew it wouldn't really happen that way, but I didn't know what it would look like when it really never does happen that way.
     Really, when you're trying desperately to learn new ways to live your life, you learn that it's going much slower than you thought it would and what you were medicating all this time was this intense lonesomeness where it feels like every social force is against you, choking you and keeping you from having love or friends because there's something wrong with you and you deserve to be alone.  Surely your deserve it, it's happening, you're alone and nobody wants to be your friend, there's the proof right there.  Medicate THAT.  Numb that, it's too much to deal with, and these people don't want to be your friend now, anyway, you may as well not deal with it.  When the morning comes, whether or not you got drunk, you'll still be alone.  May as well do whatever you can to make yourself happy, because you don't have anyone to help.
     That is the sick voice I heard and continue to hear, that is what tempts me every day, that is the voice that can be told to go away if I remember to tell it to, in the name of Jesus, every single day, while our good Lord comes in and fills in the pieces and holes that are remaining.  That is the actual process and I think if there's a goal, it's that it only gets easier with time, and it gets easier if I don't feed the wrong dog, as that old YoungLife sermon analogy goes.
     There are good things, actual new things cropping up, like all the rosebuds outside.  I am remembering scripture.  Forever it was so hard, I would forget it the minute i read it but now it's starting to have a place on my heart, because now I'm starting to see just how specifically God can meet me, and he is crazy.  Last night we talked about stopping the secret sins before they become public and I learned a new way to read Hebrews 12:5-7 where it says:  "And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:  'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.'  Endure hardship as discipline.  God is treating you as sons.  For what son is not disciplined by his father?"  And it tells me and reminds me that I am a friend and a beloved to Jesus; I must be, he must think of me that way, and this all must be discipline, what else would it be?  What else could I be?  I am absolutely in love with that idea, and it becoming my identity in Christ.  Jesus' friend who, make no mistake, WILL be disciplined but has a place that also will not be compromised. And if that is the case, I don't really care what happens.

March 15, 2012

Deut 23:5 However, the Lord your God would not listen to Balaam but turned the curse into a blessing, because the Lord your God loves you.

Phil 1:18b-19 Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.

John 16:20-22 I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you; Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

I do believe Beth Moore is correct when she says anguish is meant to lead to a birth. I was right when I told Jane I have so much hope and my heart is so full that I'm afraid I won't be able to do everything I want to do. I want to be a good, a better, friend by being honest with them and more confident about my feelings about what they're saying to me. I want to listen better to them. I want to study the word of the Lord my God the way I never have so that I can remember it and keep it as a tool instead of reading it all the time and remembering it for a short time just because I think it sounds beautiful. I believe there is a birth coming. And I've even loved Lent so much it doesn't need to happen extra soon, but I know it will anyway.

March 3, 2012

Indiana is beautiful and restorative for me. Every conversation and interaction with Jay and Jenny is exactly the same as 9 years ago this time, they're still together, it's still the sweet mutually appreciative thing where we love each other and now they have 3 children and the children are smart and wild boys and one baby who loves me and Jenny calls me her BFF. We drink tea and catch up and cook meals and today we went to Amish country and ate fried chicken and now we're home and Jenny's working on her dissertation and Jay's playing words with friends and I'm journaling. This used to be my life. It seems as though at least one thing I thought was gone had never disappeared.

I feel as though I'm entering into a place of rest. I mean, maybe I am. Who knows. I always feel like I want to declare some place I'm 'entering into' because I'm so excited about living. There's growth, where I want to grow things and be diligent about some outside of myself hobby and so I am growing roses. There's the part that wants to share my gifts and so I am teaching. But because the Lord wants so badly to teach me to let him intervene, I opened myself up to whatever and now I am playing an integral art in the life of a friend and I'm teaching her how to cook, along with teaching someone new how to play the piano. I'm going to be a 'satellite' teacher for Holly Evans, I can't wait. I feel so much more normal than I thought I would, getting things taken care of. It's both beautiful and gratifying.

March 12, 2012

So sweet. I felt in the beauty and sanctity of mass today the presence of God's promise that we are indeed together and that the desires for my life, all of them, and the goals and loves of my life, all of them, are safe within his recesses and that my path is safe and carved out for the two of us and that I've been given the Word and the wisdom to follow its guidance and that there is so much that is being figured out right now. Jenny and I walked around the Basilica and I took pictures and at the Grotto which commemorates the sighting of the Virgin Mary in France somewhere I lit a candle to bless the Lord and help me remember this sweet time between us, and tive me a physical action to be a reminder of God's promise to me on Earth. And Jenny and I talked about relics in the House of the Lord and them being necessary for reminding us of the physical coming of the Kingdom of Heaven. And I'm watching my friends love their sweet brilliant children more than life. And I'm letting God bless me amidst my sin and my attempts at goodness and my regrets and my gratefulness.

February 27, 2012

I have to write because I'm going to fall asleep. I am so exhausted in nearly every way. I went to counseling today and it was not the usual light and happiness it has become. I just had too much on my heart. I feel like what joy I had at the beginning of last week has been stolen and now instead of gaining it back and being shown mercy I'm being called into a place where I have to reconcile a lot of things. For instance, I have always hated the type of person who uses their anger and other emotions to manipulate and control the emotions and actions of others. I hate that person so much that I have an automated response system that quickly shoots up a wall that separates me and keeps me safe from that person and their manipulative emotions and actions. Then just yesterday I had to own, not even just owning, that's one whole other thing. I had to come into a place where I confronted the possibility that I was that person sometimes. Now I'm owning it and it really hurts. I don't want to be that person and now I have to, or I get to be, "not" that. Use my words and control my response and ask questions I guess.

I just came into knowing about this woman named LaRae Quy who was an FBI agent for 25 years or something and she has a blog and she loves the Lord and she makes all these bullet points and has a plan to help you be more positive and proactive and therefore successful in whatever it is you choose to do, which hopefully for you is to "live your life on purpose" or something. She says you can't control what happens to you sometimes but you can control your response by moving toward the challenge and "leaning into it," and there are these other bullet points but the idea is that you can learn mastery of the unknown and that's supposed to help you overcome your fear. You can predict how you're going to respond. I imagine that advice would work for me, for undercover intelligence agents, for snipers, and really anyone who leaves their house for any reason and so I've decided I like this LeRae Quy and her blog, which is called Your Best Adventure, a title I also like.

Today just doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm indeed living in a tension. It's funny to think that what I keep hearing about Lent not being a comfortable time and how it's dark and how God wants us to be revealed as people might be actually happening. And it's actually uncomfortable. god isn't completely silent right now and I'm moving towards my challenges and observing my disciplines but that definitely does not necessarily bring comfortability like it usually does. It turns out life is hard even when you're doing everything you can to turn your face toward the light. I'm a little fearful of how God plans on making me realize I'm going to die someday.

February 20, 2012

I Cor 1:8-9

He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.

It is really and truly lonely, sad and conflicting to be a codependent person and it feels like at times I'm literally going to explode and all of this sad mush is going to come out of my body. Really it feels like a cycle. I don't put myself around certain people I get the vibe from that they are feeling "encroached upon" by me. But they're the people I love and want to be around. They're not going to be around me because they don't want to be encroached upon. I am lonely. I am lonely because of that chain of events and because a codependent is always lonely regardless of who's around because there's this huge pit that no one can fill up, certainly not the codependent because she's under a constant state of chronic self-neglect. So one turns to the Lord, who has promised to heal our wounds and that He is with us to the end because He has created a work and is faithful to see it to completion. This is true, I know it.

It is a process that does not happen overnight. And because I'm a codependent I resent people who feel encroached upon by me and I want to turn them down when they do muster the wherewithal to be my friend but I don't and I take what I can get because I'm again, codependent. Another cycle. Another lonely day of trying to get on with it, in the presence of a God who also told us we would have trouble.

And I mean, I'm doing it. I'm doing everything in my power to live in the light of a gracious and forgiving and all mighty Creator and King. I love that love and I live in it, am quitting my job for it and turning from every opposition to it. The life of a christian is in the valleys sometimes. If you're codependent and depressive and an alcoholic, those valleys look a lot bigger and more numerous than other people's, all I'm sayin.

You push yourself a lot harder at times than you're used to, and you get tired of pushing and you look up and you just say "Really? Is this how it's gonna be? You are ridiculous for bringing me to this. I can't, I'm over this shit." But you aren't going anywhere, and you trudge your feet through three feet of cold thick black mud, eventually pushing with all your might until you're running as fast as you can in a few inches and the sun comes out and you can rest.

February 11, 2012

Today Oswald Chambers said,

"Your mind is the greatest gift God has given you, and it ought to be devoted entirely to Him. This will be one of the greatest assets of your faith when a time of trial comes because then your faith and the Spirit of God will work together. You will begin to see that your thoughts are from god as well, and your mind will no longer be at the mercy of your impulsive thinking but will always be used in service to God."

Isaiah 26:3

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

It really is like God is comforting me, telling me, "I am with you. You screwed up, I have your shame now, I am giving you practical tools to know what to do when your mind runs out of control and wants to do whatever it wants to do to calm itself down. There is nothing to fear because I am telling you I know all the good and bad your mind is capable of and I'm here to keep your path straight."

thank you sweet Jesus. And dang Oswald Chambers, get on my level.

worship and prayer night

February 2, 2012

My soul desires to be one with the Spirit of my Lord. I see myself standing and looking at the world. In front of me are all the roads I could take, all the people in my life, my family, and I'm looking at essentially a vast and complicated but abundant future.

I could go in any direction and the Lord is beside me, there is nothing behind me, just emptiness and the Lord has erased every decision, every past memory, all the broken places are gone and forgotten. With me is my Father and my Lord telling me in my ear that the choice is mine to go where I will but that He is with me to acknowledge my pain and to heal my heart.

Just now I had the sensation that I was completely immersed into cool blue water that refreshed my head and face and arms and legs and feet and hands. Then an even more overwhelming image of being lifted, carried and set down upon a rock.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude and the knowledge that I am so loved by such a mighty advocate, counselor and comforter and protector.

January 30, 2012

Counseling today was transformative. We prayed for and talked about breaking the tough image I really want to have so that I don't get hurt or have to experience any pain, becoming who God wants for me personality and trait-wise, the abuse I was under in my childhood in a very specific way, and the last thing we talked about was how I mentally dissociate and live in my own world so that I don't have to have a real life. I think that desire to do that has affected how I do everything, especially relationships with guys, people in general, my friends and especially my family. At worst, I consciously put myself at the bottom of a vast and dark ocean where I am completely alone and there is no way I can hear, see or understand what is happening miles and miles above me. I am only surrounded by the kind of living organisms only I know about who can't think or talk about or understand me at all and even if I died down there no one would see me. I am that determined to escape reality.

So much of that desire came out today. I actually said to Jane today, "The real world doesn't even seem real, it seems like an illusion sometimes." Then I feel instant guilt for the people in my life who are experiencing a very real heartbreak with the loss of their dear friend Michelle Trojanowski. My heart is so heavy for the people in my life who are really going through it right now. Yesterday I got the image in my mind of a quilt as I was praying about Michelle's loved ones and I knew to make a blanket specifically for Mary Beth Cowan but I didn't know why a blanket and then Kris started talking at the end of his sermon about Christ being sent to be our comforter, and the translation of that being one who endows us with a courage beyond our ability. That image is so dear and real to me. I overheard him say to someone that Michelle's parents feel a strength beyond their ability right now, and I want that to be true for the other people in her life, and I have a very real sense that it is. I just texted my dear friend Stephen to invite him and Julie over for dinner this week and I plan on calling later.

I am literally amazed at God's hand working in my life right now. I hope allowing God to parent me and bring me out of seclusion and into who He is intending me to be for Him and the Kingdom is someone who will show God's love to his children and remind them they have a good and capable and might to save Shepherd.

Hebrews 1:3

The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven.

2 Peter 1:3

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

Breaking Free, Beth Moore

"The filling only He can give does not automatically accompany our salvation. I was in my early thirties before I understood the huge difference between salvation from sin and satisfaction of soul. Salvation secures our lives for all eternity. Soul satisfaction ensures abundant life on earth."

January 28, 2012

Psalm 55:1-8

Hear my prayer, O God;

do not hide yourself from my petition

Listen to me and answer me;

I have no peace, because of my cares.

I am shaken by the noise of the enemy

and by the pressure of the wicked;

For they have cast an evil spell upon me

and are set against me in fury.

My heart quakes within me,

and the terrors of death have fallen upon me.

Fear and trembling have come over me,

and horror overwhelms me.

And I said, "Oh that I had wings like a dove!

I would fly away and be at rest.

I would flee to a far-off place

and make mu lodging in the wilderness.

I would hasten to escape

from the stormy wind and tempest.

This is hard. I just am struggling to put into words everything I am feeling these days. I need a break, a revelation a decision, an idea, a clue, something that will push me over, make me think, give me peace that there is something else to look forward to besides just being sober and not depressed. It's impatience. Most of my impatience stems from the fact that I am regrettably still working in a bar, and so far my efforts to get out aren't working.

I am praying for patience and self-awareness and wisdom to know when it's a submission issue and when it's a non-issue.

it's a lot

January 15, 2012

Romans 6:4

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

January 19, 2012

I've been considering this thing came up with one day when I foolishly found myself at a bar, still there after everyone who holds me accountable not to drink had already left. I went back and forth, or what was in m mind as back ad forth, with God about drinking. It was pretty one-sided. I really want to drink. And I gave myself permission to tell God, "This is so stupid, I just want to do what I want to do." Every coping mechanism I use for feeling out of place, and awkward, and tired of thinking I had already used and I tried to ignore the fact that I had this bar and this bored looking bartender and no one around to be afraid if I drank and it was a shitshow because no one had ever seen it get that bad. I could just drink and maybe feel alright and not feel all the social triggers that somehow make me feel not good enough. It really was a miracle but I just waited it out. I was relieved because in a way, I'm giving in to being better and it feels like I'm letting God win, at least in that moment, when I'm mad like some toddler because he won't let me drink Jameson and hopefully have some drug abuse. And then it's relief because I realize I don't need those things to feel like less of a piece of shit because I'm actually doing something about all the things that are telling me it's okay to need them.

January 21, 2012

Psalm 32:5

then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord" -- and you forgave the guilt of my sin.

I forget these days that God is still working with me. There was the initial wonderful ambush of His love and care, then I just go to work everyday and get into the dangerous routine of not reading, not writing, and that's what gives way to madness. I mean, I don't even know what the madness would look like, I'm medicated these days, but who knows. Always, moral of the story, I always need God. And I've been trying to be much better steward of that love just by being sober.

I don't know. Right now I'm in my bed and my upper lip is swollen and I'm missing a tooth and my mouth is full of sutures and blood. Neil, my dentist and regular at the Tavern, can possible do bonding or I an get what's called a flipper, this fake temporary tooth thing that I keep in and take out when I need to eat or brush my teeth. In one year I will have normal permanent teeth. This is just a lot. Yesterday after the surgery Kylie the assistant was telling me everything and I just broke down crying because I'm going to be wearing this flipper for a year. Then Neil called when I got home and told me it really should only be 8 months. I mean I really don't care probably, I just want to go to work and not look crazy. Also, though, is the isolation. I'm just in this house because I don't want anyone to see me. Marcus told me I looked like "Lucy loo who" and I don't even know who that is. I mean the upper lip is kind of cute but the inside of my mouth looks like someone punched a whole through somebody's fender. Yesterday Kylie sat me up and said, "How do you feel?" I said, "That was a lot." And she said, "A lot of what?" I didn't know what to tell her. It's just a lot, Kylie.

Between January 5 and 12

Lately it's been crazy. And when I say "lately" I really mean for quite a while. It's been suggested to me that while I'm taking all these steps to being less destructive, I write it down. Mostly because it's not every time that someone is able to be honest when you ask them how they're doing. Lord knows especially me. I'm not the best writer. You can tell that by the contractions and the fragmented sentences and the poor writing. But you have to start somewhere I think. Here is everything I've written down between the dates indicated above. It turns out I like writing down scripture that reaches me in a way I'm not able to articulate. And so I don't articulate it. Don't think I'm trying to make you work really hard at deciphering what went on in my head when I read those scriptures, because hopefully they reach you too, and probably in a whole different way and you'll know what I meant when I didn't say what I meant.

So that covers the scriptures. Everything else is what happens when I'm really just trying to be honest, and I'm really so grateful that it all came out. I'm also very grateful that I have people in my life who want to read all this. Believe me when I say it makes not being able to be destructive a whole lot easier.

January 5, 2012

(I'm reading a Beth Moore book and she says to memorize this. It's kind of crazy because I have two dear friends who have been slinging Isaiah verses at me willy nilly.)
Isaiah 61:1-4
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God.
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who greive in Zion
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor
They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have bene devastated for generations.


Isaiah 43:10
"You are my witnesses," declares the Lord,
"and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he."

January 9, 2012

I'm really trying. I can't really say I'm physically doing everything in my power, but maybe I am. i have to try with everything. Today I emailed a pastor back and told him that I'm seeing a therapist and a doctor and I'm getting on medication and how desperately I am needing to get out of the Tavern. He writes back and it was really nice, basically "You're doing everything you need to do and I will keep you in my prayers." I guess I just desire so much connection with people and so much direction from the good Lord that if I feel someone is being super generic or pastoral with me I just kinda make a face because I'm a hurt and tired little child.

January 10, 2012

I woke up this morning dreading work and remembering a time when two friends believed in me, then a time when they didn't, when I became a lost irresponsible child to them, and it hurts because I know I don't want to be that way but I've always been too sick to change. Now that I'm trying again maybe it'll stick. There's no drinking. I have two therapists and medication. That's the goal anyway.
I have to fight being alone. I have to fight feeling alone. The best thing I can do is take every opportunity to live outwardly and look outside, and that never meant anything until I figured out that living in my head all the time makes me less and less out of reality after a certain point. It's just so hard because I take everything so personally and I don't know how to stop. But how else am I supposed to understand it when someone is my friend and then they're not? It's because of me, because I am this way. They don't know what else to do but run away, leaving me to be overly careful in my existing relationships because I can't have the same thing happen again, but 9 out of 10 times they distance themselves anyway. So then I'm really alone, and I just go to work, this girl who's not stable and established and fruitful and healthy and sane enough to have my friends want to be around me. And I drink and I carouse and I fall down and I sleep with some boy and I'm sad but this is what happens when you're who I am and you can't see things for what they are and you don't know how to explain that to people because every thought in your head is tangled and all you want is for them to love you and you know all you have to do is calm down long enough to get one authentic thought out so they at least know something about what you're going through so you try but instead of saying "I miss you and I'm sick" you say "I'm trying" and you make some joke because you know the next words out of their mouth are going to be "what can you do to make it better" and you don't want them to say that because you don't know and you are really really scared that it won't work again and they'll write you off. No matter how many times they say they would never it already always feels like they have. So of course they will, eventually, it's all a matter of time until that last little piece of ice breaks free and that iceberg drifts happily out of the darkness, away from you, where it thinks it belongs.

January 12, 2012

John 1

When Jesus saw Nathanael coming towards him, he said of him, 'Here is truly an Israelite in whom there is no deceit!' nathanael asked him, 'Where did you come to know me?' Jesus answered, 'I saw you under the fig tree before Philip called you.' Nathanael replied, 'Rabbi you are the Son of God! you are the King of Israel!' Jesus answered, 'Do you believe because I told you I saw you under the fig tree? You will see greater things than these.' And he said to him, 'Very truly, I tell you, you will see heaven opened and the angels of God ascending and descending upon the Son of Man.'

Psalm 139

For you yourself created my inmost parts; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

Mark 4:33-34

With many similar parables Jesus spoke the word to them, as much as they could understand. He did not say anything to them without using a parable. But when he was alone with his own disciples, he explained everything.